Why Joking about Domestic Violence Is Never Funny

Recently, actress Kristen Bell posted a picture on Instagram to celebrate her anniversary with her husband, actor and podcaster Dax Shepard. What could have been a touching tribute to their 12 years together instead took a controversial turn. In the post, Bell recalled a moment when Shepard told her, “I would never kill you. A lot of men have killed their wives at a certain point. Even though I’m heavily incentivized to kill you, I never would.”

Bell likely intended the comment to be humorous and offbeat. However, the post quickly drew criticism for making light of a very real and often fatal problem: domestic violence. Sadly, this isn’t the first time that the couple has joked about domestic violence. But this post has drawn even more attention for trivializing the subject during Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

While neither Bell nor Shepard has addressed the backlash, it offers an important opportunity to reflect on why jokes about domestic violence are never funny – and how casual humor can unintentionally minimize the experiences of survivors and victims and normalize harmful behavior.

The Prevalence of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is a pervasive issue that affects millions of people each year. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 1 in 4 women will experience severe physical violence from an intimate partner during their lifetime.

The impact of domestic violence can cause both long and short-term physical and mental health effects. This may include:

• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Increased risk of suicide

• Physical injuries from the abuse

• Headaches

• Insomnia

• Chronic pain

• Gastrointestinal issues

Domestic violence has lasting impacts that extend far beyond the immediate harm. Survivors are more likely to experience chronic health problems and to rate their overall health as poor compared to those who have no experienced abuse. Even after leaving an abusive relationship, the physical and emotional effects can persist for years.

Children who witness or experience domestic violence also face serious consequences. In the short-term, they may show signs of fear and anxiety, struggle with low self-esteem, or act out in negative ways. Over time, they are at greater risk for developing depression, anxiety, diabetes, heart disease, and obesity. Exposure to violence can also increase the likelihood of being in an abusive relationship later in life.

Domestic violence is often fatal, particularly for women. In 2021, 34% of all female homicide victims in the United States were killed by an intimate partner. By comparison, 6% of all male homicide victims in that same time were killed by an intimate partner.  Globally, 60% of all intentional homicides of women and girls were committed by an intimate partner or family member.

Studies show that the impact of domestic violence can extend far beyond a relationship or family. In fact, 68% of mass shooters in the United States either killed their own family or intimate partner, or had a documented history of domestic violence.

Domestic violence is both common and deadly in this country. That’s why it should never be taken lightly or made the subject of a joke.

How “Joking” about Domestic Violence Contributes to the Problem

When a person makes a joke about domestic violence in their relationship, they might not think it’s a big deal. They might even justify it, arguing that because their relationship isn’t abusive, it’s fine. Yet any type of “humor” about a topic this serious should never be tolerated.

Joking about domestic violence minimizes the painful (and often life-threatening) experiences of domestic violence survivors and victims. It can also contribute to the problem by making it seem like it’s not a big deal.

Research shows that exposure to violence-related humor against women can desensitize people to the severity of these types of abuse. This increases societal tolerance for domestic violence. It also reinforces the notion that domestic violence is not a serious problem. As demonstrated by the facts above, domestic violence is a significant issue in our culture.

Survivors and victims of domestic violence often struggle with feelings of shame, fear, and isolation. These realities can make it harder for them to seek help, a fact that is only magnified when others trivialize the crime. When people act like domestic violence is funny, it can make a survivor/victim feel even more alienated. It can also contribute to secondary victimization when a survivor/victim is further traumatized by others’ reactions to their experiences.

Minimizing domestic violence by joking about it is part of a vicious cycle. It makes abuse appear less harmful, discourages survivors and victims from coming forward, and emboldens people who abuse. In a culture where domestic violence is already underreported, this is incredibly dangerous.

Humor has the power to influence our attitudes and beliefs. It can be used to challenge cultural narratives – or reinforce harmful ones. When it comes to domestic violence, jokes only make the problem worse. This applies to everyone, from celebrities like Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard to everyday people. We all have a responsibility to take this issue seriously.

As always, if you need help, we are here for you. Our hotline is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week: 1-888-832-2272 (TDD available). Calls are free of charge and can be anonymous.